A Spirit of a Storm in my Soul

This deployment has been long. Too long..... It definitely gives a guy a ton of time to think, I'm sure my dad can attest to that. This is just a bunch of random thoughts so try and follow.

My daughters are growing up without their Daddy. My wife is dealing with her husband being away and raising my daughters and doing a great job. I have a Nephew and a couple Nieces that I have been a horrible Uncle to. I have pushed my faith into the back corner and have no immediate desire to fix where it all went wrong, since I can't even remember where it went wrong. I want to live a simple life. I want to be home, I want to be around my girls, I want to sit on the front porch and have a couple of beers with the wife and neighbors while we share "Sea Stories" and the wives look at each other with the "There they go again" look. I want to sit on the couch with Brandee and watch a movie in HD. I miss my wife's smell, her voice, and her touch. I can't remember how she smells. I miss my Kaia's questions, I miss Ava's smile. I miss walking into the house and Kaia running to me and hugging my leg and telling me all about her day and Brandee carrying Ava in one arm and hugging me and kissing my cheek. I miss carrying my sleeping children to their beds and tucking them in.

Being around the military 24/7 for the past 5 months without a break has made me cynical. I have lost hope in people all together. I am convinced that a good 60% of the people on this ship could die right this second and no one would miss them. The world might be a better place for it. Hell, is it any wonder that the economy began to recover when we left? It's because everyone with a credit score of 300 or below is on this ship! These are not the hero's you read about. They have brought the Ghetto to the ship and it seriously pisses me off. Military Rank and structure means nothing to these people and the upper leadership turns a blind eye to it. Ever heard an E-7 say : "Yo dawg, what it is?" I have many times, that is my chief!! What does that even mean??? I am in Hell. Who, in their right mind said "Lets send them on an 8 Month deployment"? Probably the same guy who keeps troop on the ground in Iraq for 15 months, because it just makes perfect sense.

Jarred wrote a post the other day about the decline of the Family. I honestly think you can point the finger at the government, atleast concerning military families. Take dad out of the picture for how ever long we say, and have the audacity to ask "What is happening to our kids?" It's no wonder americas kids are cursing and swearing, the see what the future holds and they are not impressed. WAR after WAR after WAR. When I was growing up it was Desert Storm and I knew we would go to war when I joined. It was a certainty. I have been in 9 years and we have been at war for about 9 years. 9 YEARS! What hope do I have to offer my girls? Tell them everything will be ok, Daddy will be home, daddy will be home and there for you when you need him. That is until China Acts, That is until Iran does something stupid, That is until North Korea does something foolish. We are on the cusp of World War IV (World War III was the cold war as far as I am concerned) and I cannot honestly tell my children the future is bright for them. I hope I am wrong and this is probably my cynicism speaking, however, I find it very hard to believe that I am perfectly justified in being away from my family in support of national defence efforts when your job is to stare at a screen all day and get nothing. I want to go home.

No doubt in my mind my Wife loves me more than anything, not a single doubt in my mind, we are each others life and I love her for that. But any person who has been gone for so long starts to see every perspective, they think every thought. My wife and kids are my life and I am physically not a part of theirs. I've been gone long enough that I could be a memory now. Kaia is learning to live without dad. Ava is asking "Who is Dad?" My wife is learning to live without me, all the while I am dying to get home as soon as I can because I have already missed out on so much. And Why am I out here? Beside the fact that we were told to leave, I cannot tell you why. We do nothing, but waste a little over a million a day to keep this thing running.

I heard a song the other day and it seriously sums me up since this deployment started. Here it is:

Theres a Spirit of a Storm in My Soul
A Restlessness That I can't seem to Tame
Thunder and Lightning follow everywhere I go
Theres a Spirit of a Storm in my Soul

There's a Hurricane that's raging in my blood
And I can't find a way to Calm the Sea
Maybe I'll find some day The waters arn't so rough
But right now they got the best of me

Oh, It's been a long long time
Since I had real peace of mind
So I'm just gonna sit right here
In this Old Chair
Until this storm rolls by

Oh maybe it's just the way I am
Maybe I won't ever change
So I'm just gonna sit right here
In this Old Chair
And Just soak up the rays

Theres a Spirit of a Storm in my Soul
And Every time I think it's gone away
The Dark Clouds Gather
That ol' wind begins to blow
The Sun is gonna shine someday I hope
Theres a spirit of a storm in my soul

I want to go home. This ship has made me a horrible person on the inside. I am tired of living under a runway. I am tired of sleeping in a 6 foot by 2 foot coffin locker. I am tired of having to do a pull up to get into bed. I am tired of having to shower around other guys. I am tired of acting like I care about what people are telling me. I am tired of having to look for toilet paper every time! I am tired of picking up after adults. I am tired of having to deal with problems everyday. I am tired of not having a place to be alone. I am tired of being tired. And amid this frustration, no one sees my frustration, people only see a kind and understanding LPO. They know they can come to me if they need help or answers and I am always there for them. I am doing my part, but the people above me are not.

I'll be fine in a few months when I am at home, but as of right now this is horrible.
Here is the conflict in my head. I Hate it here, but I love the Navy and everything it has stood for in the past and what it represents now. I am torn. I am stuck, and the worst part is that I am doing it all alone. I miss feeling needed. I miss feeling important. I am another face in the crowd.