Thursday, 19 February 2009

Frail

Convinced of my deception
I've always been a fool
I fear this love reaction
Just like you said I would

A rose could never lie
About the love it brings
And I could never promise
To be any of those things

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken growing old
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...

Blessed are the shallow
Depth they'll never find
Seems to be some comfort
In rooms I try to hide

Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken growing old
I would be...
I would be...
I would be... Frail

Wednesday, 18 February 2009

Bail Outs

So yeah, this entire thing had me upset when Bush did it, and now that Obama has conducted this on massive proportions....... Makes me nervous for the future of this country. I keep asking myself this question; If the government wants to save this country, then why are they rewarding compainies for bad buisness practices by bailing them out? If they were to redistribute the wealth to every tax paying citizen, wouldn't that make more sence? I know when I got my check from Bush, we paid off bills. I think that 700 Billion redistributed to the people would pay off the houses they owe money on, thus making the consumer happy, making the banks happy becuase the loans are paid, and so are they....... Economics at it's finest, put the consumer first, amazing how that works. Thats why I will never be involved in government. My Brain works.

Tuesday, 20 January 2009

Invincible

Today I had a bit of an epiphany. Brandee and I will make it. Everyone said we were too young and we’d be divorced in a year. We are getting ready to stare 5 years Married in the face together and will continue to push though the year’s together holding hands the whole way through. When I married this woman over 4 years ago, I didn’t know what I was getting. She is a woman who is devoted to her children and her husband, always putting herself last. All I knew when we got married is that we loved being together and wanted that feeling to last as long as possible. Life moved on and so we grew up with the times. We learned how to adapt and overcome every trial together. Deployments, children we weren’t ready for; we accepted the hand we had been dealt and loved every second of it. Granted life will continue to throw obstacles in our path, and during the struggles that will pull us down; we will use these chances to turn things around. And we will do that, hand in hand, rocking away the years in our Cracker Barrel Rockers :) I can truly say that together we’re invincible.

Monday, 19 January 2009

Butterflies and Hurricanes

Today was one of those days when it was very easy to lose all hope in everything. Got to muster in time just to get talked to by my chief about what the night shift forgot to do, and upon further discussion, you realize that the jobs were completed just not to the standards of a person who's standards change everyday. It's kinda one of those things where what worked yesterday no longer works. We take care of everything they missed and then 2 hours later we can start our jobs. It takes us no time at all to complete this, it's just a hassle is all.

Right now I am in between divisions. I am normally doing my job as a cryptologist, however I am currently TAD to the mess decks in order to full fill our divisions TAD requirements. I am the Mess Deck Master at Arms. Just a fancy way to say that I am the guy in charge of the mess decks. Granted, I think it is a lame job, but when you sit back and look at it, my job is to make sure 4200 people have everything they need to eat. Not to shabby. Anyway I am torn in all directions down there, we need this, we need that, why haven't you done this, well because we were still doing the other thing you asked us to do, I never told you to do that, do this instead, roger that chief, we need you to do this, "Hey CTT2 I need to go to medical" go ahead and go to medical and we'll cover your station, we need to run CO2 bottles, Wait 15 minutes until I can free up a couple of bodies, The scullery is down, Call Galley Maintenance, We need to get items from the store rooms........ You catch the drift. That is everyday for me. It's so fast paced and chaotic. I hate it, but I love it, because It has sped the deployment up incredibly for me. Sometimes I feel like a butterfly in a hurricane, but somehow I always land safely. I attribute this to my uncanny ability to be the best at everything I do :) (My arrogance has no boundaries!)

Sunday, 18 January 2009

Micro Cuts

So the latest discussion going around the ship is the "Gays openly serving in the military". When asked my opinion on the topic I say that I agree, they should be able to serve. Openly or not, they do have the rights to serve the country they believe in and love. HOWEVER...... Openly will never happen, and for good reason.

First of all, let me go ahead and get this out. We have polled a many people on the ship and the ship is split pretty much 50/50 down the middle. Of course the 50% that don't think they should serve openly all say the same thing "I don't want some Gay Dude looking at my stuff when I'm in the shower" (My answer to this of course is "So what your telling me is that it is ok for a strait man to look at your stuff") "Hells Naw dawg, man you twerkin my werds n shit" (there’s the ghetto I am talking about) Anyway I tend to take homophobia out of the equation since we all know that fear leads to nothing good. It's just a fear of the unknown and we all know how fear helped out the civil rights movement. (It didn't help, just in case you were wondering) Anyway, the little poll only showed me how many homophobic people we have on board, so it really didn't help me get any solid information.

With that said.....I will speak on from a naval perspective since that is all I know. If gays are allowed to openly serve, the entire make up of every Navy Warship will have to be rethought to include the following: Strait Male Berthing, Strait Female Berthing, Homosexual Male Berthing, Homosexual Female Berthing. However, you can't have the Gay males all berthing together since they all have the potential to become attracted to one another, (It would be the same as Males berthing with Females) Same goes for the females. So what do you do? You can't have an openly Gay male sleeping in strait male berthing because it might be heaven to him, and visa-versa. So what do you do? The answer is simple, you keep things the way they are.

The problem I have with the whole "Homosexual movement" is that they believe they have more rights than the average Joe and they throw their ways of thinking and living right in our faces. Granted they can't get married, and I agree with that for one reason only; Marriage is shared between a man and a woman. This, of course, is a paraphrase of the biblical definition, since Marriage, after all, is a religious tradition and practice; I figure it to be the only source for this word. Since the Church does not recognize Homosexual behavior as acceptable and recognizes marriage as something shared between a man and a woman only, why should centuries of religious practices be changed to accommodate their desires? What gives them the right to demand that they be changed? This is the imposing of their will on others that I am talking about. If they want to do something that goes against the Natural order of life they should make up their own names for this stuff. Be original gay people! Southpark said it best.

Governor: “I believe that I might have come up with a compromise to this whole problem that will make everyone happy! People in the gay community want the same rights as married couples, but dissenters don't want the word "marriage" corrupted. So how about we let gay people get married, but call it something else?”

Governor: “You homosexuals will have all the exact same rights as married couples, but, instead of referring to you as "married", you can be... butt buddies.”

Governor: “Instead of being "man and wife", you'll be... butt buddies. You won't be "betrothed", you'll be... [makes quote with his fingers] ...butt buddies. Get it? Instead of a "bride and groom", you'd be... [makes quote with his fingers again] ...butt buddies.”

Gay Man: We wanna be treated equally!

Governor: You *are* equal. It's just that, instead of getting engaged, you would be... butt buddies. And everyone is happy!
Woman: [from the lesbian crowd] Well, what about lesbians?
Governor: Well, like anyone cares about dykes!
[Crowd goes into an uproar]

I don't agree with homosexual practices. I think it is wrong. Grown men having to get rectal reconstructive surgey is not natural...... I don't agree with saying that it is a genetic disorder. That is like saying Alcoholics never had a choice. Alcoholism......... A disease???? For real? So before alcohol was ever brewed what was the disease called then??? "I wish I had a Beerism?"

Kinda got sidetracked, but I hate how everything is settled by naming it a disorder or a disease, when in reality they are all choices we made in life and it is always easier to blame something else when we know we are doing something wrong. I've been doing it for years. I have Nicoteenism. Why hasn't that been linked to a genetic disorder. Because, first of all, no one cares about smokers, and secondly, most smokers are realist and know why things are the way they are. We don't make excuses. I smoke because I like it and I am ADDICTED to it. Plain and simple. I picked up my first cigarette because of a girl, not because of some hidden voice in the back of my head, hidden since infancy, finally yelled at me and made me buy my first pack. There is no accountability anymore, and why should there be? There are a ton of people who are waiting to make up excuses for everyone else just so no one gets offended.

As I stated before, I don't agree with their practices, but I am not going to look down on anyone because they don't do something the way I do. If that was the case I would have no friends, because I am perfect and no one does things like I do :) I am not put on earth to judge, I am put here to live my life, raise my kids the best I can and make as many friends as I can along the way.

Homosexuality is a hot topic and I will be very interested to see how all of this plays out. Honestly I could care less what the dude next to me is doing with another guy, simply because I don't look at things like that. I want to make sure the dude next to me is focused on the mission at hand. That's all I care about. Professionalism.... It's a great Idea when it is actually utilized.

The thing I love about blogs is that they will ultimately spark some great discussion that will be shared among a few people and begin and end here. They are discussions. Nothing will come of it. The world will not be saved and they will not alter the decisions of those people who should see them. In the origin of symmetry, these discussions are nothing more than micro cuts.

Saturday, 17 January 2009

A Spirit of a Storm in my Soul

This deployment has been long. Too long..... It definitely gives a guy a ton of time to think, I'm sure my dad can attest to that. This is just a bunch of random thoughts so try and follow.

My daughters are growing up without their Daddy. My wife is dealing with her husband being away and raising my daughters and doing a great job. I have a Nephew and a couple Nieces that I have been a horrible Uncle to. I have pushed my faith into the back corner and have no immediate desire to fix where it all went wrong, since I can't even remember where it went wrong. I want to live a simple life. I want to be home, I want to be around my girls, I want to sit on the front porch and have a couple of beers with the wife and neighbors while we share "Sea Stories" and the wives look at each other with the "There they go again" look. I want to sit on the couch with Brandee and watch a movie in HD. I miss my wife's smell, her voice, and her touch. I can't remember how she smells. I miss my Kaia's questions, I miss Ava's smile. I miss walking into the house and Kaia running to me and hugging my leg and telling me all about her day and Brandee carrying Ava in one arm and hugging me and kissing my cheek. I miss carrying my sleeping children to their beds and tucking them in.

Being around the military 24/7 for the past 5 months without a break has made me cynical. I have lost hope in people all together. I am convinced that a good 60% of the people on this ship could die right this second and no one would miss them. The world might be a better place for it. Hell, is it any wonder that the economy began to recover when we left? It's because everyone with a credit score of 300 or below is on this ship! These are not the hero's you read about. They have brought the Ghetto to the ship and it seriously pisses me off. Military Rank and structure means nothing to these people and the upper leadership turns a blind eye to it. Ever heard an E-7 say : "Yo dawg, what it is?" I have many times, that is my chief!! What does that even mean??? I am in Hell. Who, in their right mind said "Lets send them on an 8 Month deployment"? Probably the same guy who keeps troop on the ground in Iraq for 15 months, because it just makes perfect sense.

Jarred wrote a post the other day about the decline of the Family. I honestly think you can point the finger at the government, atleast concerning military families. Take dad out of the picture for how ever long we say, and have the audacity to ask "What is happening to our kids?" It's no wonder americas kids are cursing and swearing, the see what the future holds and they are not impressed. WAR after WAR after WAR. When I was growing up it was Desert Storm and I knew we would go to war when I joined. It was a certainty. I have been in 9 years and we have been at war for about 9 years. 9 YEARS! What hope do I have to offer my girls? Tell them everything will be ok, Daddy will be home, daddy will be home and there for you when you need him. That is until China Acts, That is until Iran does something stupid, That is until North Korea does something foolish. We are on the cusp of World War IV (World War III was the cold war as far as I am concerned) and I cannot honestly tell my children the future is bright for them. I hope I am wrong and this is probably my cynicism speaking, however, I find it very hard to believe that I am perfectly justified in being away from my family in support of national defence efforts when your job is to stare at a screen all day and get nothing. I want to go home.

No doubt in my mind my Wife loves me more than anything, not a single doubt in my mind, we are each others life and I love her for that. But any person who has been gone for so long starts to see every perspective, they think every thought. My wife and kids are my life and I am physically not a part of theirs. I've been gone long enough that I could be a memory now. Kaia is learning to live without dad. Ava is asking "Who is Dad?" My wife is learning to live without me, all the while I am dying to get home as soon as I can because I have already missed out on so much. And Why am I out here? Beside the fact that we were told to leave, I cannot tell you why. We do nothing, but waste a little over a million a day to keep this thing running.

I heard a song the other day and it seriously sums me up since this deployment started. Here it is:

Theres a Spirit of a Storm in My Soul
A Restlessness That I can't seem to Tame
Thunder and Lightning follow everywhere I go
Theres a Spirit of a Storm in my Soul

There's a Hurricane that's raging in my blood
And I can't find a way to Calm the Sea
Maybe I'll find some day The waters arn't so rough
But right now they got the best of me

Oh, It's been a long long time
Since I had real peace of mind
So I'm just gonna sit right here
In this Old Chair
Until this storm rolls by

Oh maybe it's just the way I am
Maybe I won't ever change
So I'm just gonna sit right here
In this Old Chair
And Just soak up the rays

Theres a Spirit of a Storm in my Soul
And Every time I think it's gone away
The Dark Clouds Gather
That ol' wind begins to blow
The Sun is gonna shine someday I hope
Theres a spirit of a storm in my soul

I want to go home. This ship has made me a horrible person on the inside. I am tired of living under a runway. I am tired of sleeping in a 6 foot by 2 foot coffin locker. I am tired of having to do a pull up to get into bed. I am tired of having to shower around other guys. I am tired of acting like I care about what people are telling me. I am tired of having to look for toilet paper every time! I am tired of picking up after adults. I am tired of having to deal with problems everyday. I am tired of not having a place to be alone. I am tired of being tired. And amid this frustration, no one sees my frustration, people only see a kind and understanding LPO. They know they can come to me if they need help or answers and I am always there for them. I am doing my part, but the people above me are not.

I'll be fine in a few months when I am at home, but as of right now this is horrible.
Here is the conflict in my head. I Hate it here, but I love the Navy and everything it has stood for in the past and what it represents now. I am torn. I am stuck, and the worst part is that I am doing it all alone. I miss feeling needed. I miss feeling important. I am another face in the crowd.

Thursday, 8 January 2009

some pics.
















So i noticed nobody commented on Avas b-day pics...they are 2 posts down. Guessing you just didnt see them. Here are a couple pics..mostly kaia being goofy as usual. And Ava giving "the look." Not much going on. Of course the girls are about to leave and i am super nervous but need this so bad. A couple of days would have been nice, but thats not really fair to Jackie :) I know the kids will have a blast!