The Worst Day Since Yesterday

Well I know I miss more than hit

With a face that was launched to sink

and I seldom feel the bright relief

It's been the worst Day since yesterday

If theres one thing I have said

Is that the dreams I once had now lay in bed

When the four wind blow my whits through the door

It's been the worst day since yesterday

Falling down to you sweet ground

Where these flowers they bloom

In it's Dirt I'll be found

Hurry back to me, My wild calling

It's been the worst day since yesterday

Alot of news on my end. Stuff I can't say, but I'll manage on keeping my mouth shut. There have been things going on and I am glad they had been brought to light. Much better than being left in the dark. Mother knows best :)

Brandee's Birthday, Kaia's Birthday, Ava's Birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentines Day, St. Patties Day, is every Holiday I have missed so far because of this trip and it bugs me to death. My girls are growing up and my Wife is doing it all alone. I'll be home soon :)

Today I got the best news I have had in a while. I know everything in this Blog sounds grim but I am actually doing alright. I just count down the days to when my life will get some kind of normal and not military 24/7. 8 months is a long time to be gone, but the finish line is coming up, so I keep that in the front of my head and keep going. As you can see by the picture, good news is here, so I should be happy, but I am not. Funny how I am not getting suprised by anything anymore where the Navy is concerned. I really don't like my job, I hate how it takes me away from my family. Funny thing is that my best day out here is worse than my worse day at home, and thats sad.

Sorry it has been so long.....nothing much going on.....Kaia has been AWFUL the last couple of weeks...but the last 2 days she has been alot better... Ava is too much. She is hilarious, she just dances and sings all the time. She goes and plays with Kaia in her room. Its kinda nice that they play together....but then kaia ruins the moment by dragging her on the floor or picking her up....ughhhhh I just need to remember that Rob will be home soon!!!! about a month and a half actually :) so yeah just waiting on spring to get here so we can get out of the house. Lately, we have only been going to the store...i think we are all getting cabin fever. I HATE WINTER!!!!!!!!! hoping the next duty station is Hawaii :) okay well time to get kaia settled down. oh yeah for some reason my comp isnt accepting the memory card and thats why i havent put any pics up in quite awhile. so yeah thats about it!!!!!!

An Ocean of Memories

I have always been drawn by the sea. Tonight I sent an Email to my Mother and then My wife and was about to call it a night before I decided to go to my place, outside of the ship, just to be alone for a while.

The sea was black, the sky was black. I felt completely alone and isolated from the rest of the world. I sat out there for about 5 minutes before my eyes ajusted and the stars shone bright. My eyes however did not stare at the sky as I remember them doing for the better part of my life, but they drifted downward to the black abyss below. The black turned into little dots of floresent blue. Almost like twinkling stars in the water. Then a streak of blue shot across through the water, a perfect line, almost like a shooting star. I looked back toward the hull of the ship and the ripples were glowing a bright floresent blue. It was amazing. I smiled and came back inside and began typing this blog.

My thoughts are this; "Happiness isn't real unless it's shared" That is what I summed up from that. The entire time I was out there I would have loved for my Wife to be there, my children asking "Daddy, why does it do that." With the glow of bomb blast on the horizon and a doomed economy, all I care about is home.

Bailouts cont...

I wrote that last one in a bit of the rush. So I will elaborate....

Obama's stimulas package has me, along with a good majority of the nation worried. Socialism is on the horizon and we are welcoming it with open arms. Bush started this, with the bailout of two banking giants, (didn't agree with that call) and Obama is continuing in the trend. Bailing out should never be an option in a Capitalistic Democratic society. This is why I am convinced that we do not live in a True democracy. There is not one buisness in America that now has to worry about failing/filing for bankrupcy because good ol government will save you, no matter how shaddy your buisness practices were. Also where does this leave the other buisnesses that are doing it right? I am all for GM and Chevrolet Vehicles, but you know what, if they fail, they fail. That is the nature of the beast. Let some other company (Saab is knocking on GM's Door), that is successful come in and run it right. Thats how it's supposed to work.

I am fearful of the future of this nation. Democracy as we know it is gone. We live in a nation where it is acceptable to be crooked in buisness, horrible in managing money, screw over the consumer and it's ok, infact you are rewarded for it. "Since our consuemers don't like us anymore and refuse to buy our products, we'll ask the government for help and they will help us", just because we want to save 60,000 jobs. People adapt, people will find other places to work...... this is sheer madness. The government has no faith in it's people.

And to top it all off, the United States just borrowed (from who I don't know) 1 Trillion dollars yesterday.............. I believe the name of the "handbasket" is America and we are on our way down.

Frail

Convinced of my deception
I've always been a fool
I fear this love reaction
Just like you said I would

A rose could never lie
About the love it brings
And I could never promise
To be any of those things

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken growing old
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...

Blessed are the shallow
Depth they'll never find
Seems to be some comfort
In rooms I try to hide

Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken growing old
I would be...
I would be...
I would be... Frail

Bail Outs

So yeah, this entire thing had me upset when Bush did it, and now that Obama has conducted this on massive proportions....... Makes me nervous for the future of this country. I keep asking myself this question; If the government wants to save this country, then why are they rewarding compainies for bad buisness practices by bailing them out? If they were to redistribute the wealth to every tax paying citizen, wouldn't that make more sence? I know when I got my check from Bush, we paid off bills. I think that 700 Billion redistributed to the people would pay off the houses they owe money on, thus making the consumer happy, making the banks happy becuase the loans are paid, and so are they....... Economics at it's finest, put the consumer first, amazing how that works. Thats why I will never be involved in government. My Brain works.

Invincible

Today I had a bit of an epiphany. Brandee and I will make it. Everyone said we were too young and we’d be divorced in a year. We are getting ready to stare 5 years Married in the face together and will continue to push though the year’s together holding hands the whole way through. When I married this woman over 4 years ago, I didn’t know what I was getting. She is a woman who is devoted to her children and her husband, always putting herself last. All I knew when we got married is that we loved being together and wanted that feeling to last as long as possible. Life moved on and so we grew up with the times. We learned how to adapt and overcome every trial together. Deployments, children we weren’t ready for; we accepted the hand we had been dealt and loved every second of it. Granted life will continue to throw obstacles in our path, and during the struggles that will pull us down; we will use these chances to turn things around. And we will do that, hand in hand, rocking away the years in our Cracker Barrel Rockers :) I can truly say that together we’re invincible.

Butterflies and Hurricanes

Today was one of those days when it was very easy to lose all hope in everything. Got to muster in time just to get talked to by my chief about what the night shift forgot to do, and upon further discussion, you realize that the jobs were completed just not to the standards of a person who's standards change everyday. It's kinda one of those things where what worked yesterday no longer works. We take care of everything they missed and then 2 hours later we can start our jobs. It takes us no time at all to complete this, it's just a hassle is all.

Right now I am in between divisions. I am normally doing my job as a cryptologist, however I am currently TAD to the mess decks in order to full fill our divisions TAD requirements. I am the Mess Deck Master at Arms. Just a fancy way to say that I am the guy in charge of the mess decks. Granted, I think it is a lame job, but when you sit back and look at it, my job is to make sure 4200 people have everything they need to eat. Not to shabby. Anyway I am torn in all directions down there, we need this, we need that, why haven't you done this, well because we were still doing the other thing you asked us to do, I never told you to do that, do this instead, roger that chief, we need you to do this, "Hey CTT2 I need to go to medical" go ahead and go to medical and we'll cover your station, we need to run CO2 bottles, Wait 15 minutes until I can free up a couple of bodies, The scullery is down, Call Galley Maintenance, We need to get items from the store rooms........ You catch the drift. That is everyday for me. It's so fast paced and chaotic. I hate it, but I love it, because It has sped the deployment up incredibly for me. Sometimes I feel like a butterfly in a hurricane, but somehow I always land safely. I attribute this to my uncanny ability to be the best at everything I do :) (My arrogance has no boundaries!)

Micro Cuts

So the latest discussion going around the ship is the "Gays openly serving in the military". When asked my opinion on the topic I say that I agree, they should be able to serve. Openly or not, they do have the rights to serve the country they believe in and love. HOWEVER...... Openly will never happen, and for good reason.

First of all, let me go ahead and get this out. We have polled a many people on the ship and the ship is split pretty much 50/50 down the middle. Of course the 50% that don't think they should serve openly all say the same thing "I don't want some Gay Dude looking at my stuff when I'm in the shower" (My answer to this of course is "So what your telling me is that it is ok for a strait man to look at your stuff") "Hells Naw dawg, man you twerkin my werds n shit" (there’s the ghetto I am talking about) Anyway I tend to take homophobia out of the equation since we all know that fear leads to nothing good. It's just a fear of the unknown and we all know how fear helped out the civil rights movement. (It didn't help, just in case you were wondering) Anyway, the little poll only showed me how many homophobic people we have on board, so it really didn't help me get any solid information.

With that said.....I will speak on from a naval perspective since that is all I know. If gays are allowed to openly serve, the entire make up of every Navy Warship will have to be rethought to include the following: Strait Male Berthing, Strait Female Berthing, Homosexual Male Berthing, Homosexual Female Berthing. However, you can't have the Gay males all berthing together since they all have the potential to become attracted to one another, (It would be the same as Males berthing with Females) Same goes for the females. So what do you do? You can't have an openly Gay male sleeping in strait male berthing because it might be heaven to him, and visa-versa. So what do you do? The answer is simple, you keep things the way they are.

The problem I have with the whole "Homosexual movement" is that they believe they have more rights than the average Joe and they throw their ways of thinking and living right in our faces. Granted they can't get married, and I agree with that for one reason only; Marriage is shared between a man and a woman. This, of course, is a paraphrase of the biblical definition, since Marriage, after all, is a religious tradition and practice; I figure it to be the only source for this word. Since the Church does not recognize Homosexual behavior as acceptable and recognizes marriage as something shared between a man and a woman only, why should centuries of religious practices be changed to accommodate their desires? What gives them the right to demand that they be changed? This is the imposing of their will on others that I am talking about. If they want to do something that goes against the Natural order of life they should make up their own names for this stuff. Be original gay people! Southpark said it best.

Governor: “I believe that I might have come up with a compromise to this whole problem that will make everyone happy! People in the gay community want the same rights as married couples, but dissenters don't want the word "marriage" corrupted. So how about we let gay people get married, but call it something else?”

Governor: “You homosexuals will have all the exact same rights as married couples, but, instead of referring to you as "married", you can be... butt buddies.”

Governor: “Instead of being "man and wife", you'll be... butt buddies. You won't be "betrothed", you'll be... [makes quote with his fingers] ...butt buddies. Get it? Instead of a "bride and groom", you'd be... [makes quote with his fingers again] ...butt buddies.”

Gay Man: We wanna be treated equally!
Governor: You *are* equal. It's just that, instead of getting engaged, you would be... butt buddies. And everyone is happy!
Woman: [from the lesbian crowd] Well, what about lesbians?
Governor: Well, like anyone cares about dykes!
[Crowd goes into an uproar]

I don't agree with homosexual practices. I think it is wrong. Grown men having to get rectal reconstructive surgey is not natural...... I don't agree with saying that it is a genetic disorder. That is like saying Alcoholics never had a choice. Alcoholism......... A disease???? For real? So before alcohol was ever brewed what was the disease called then??? "I wish I had a Beerism?"

Kinda got sidetracked, but I hate how everything is settled by naming it a disorder or a disease, when in reality they are all choices we made in life and it is always easier to blame something else when we know we are doing something wrong. I've been doing it for years. I have Nicoteenism. Why hasn't that been linked to a genetic disorder. Because, first of all, no one cares about smokers, and secondly, most smokers are realist and know why things are the way they are. We don't make excuses. I smoke because I like it and I am ADDICTED to it. Plain and simple. I picked up my first cigarette because of a girl, not because of some hidden voice in the back of my head, hidden since infancy, finally yelled at me and made me buy my first pack. There is no accountability anymore, and why should there be? There are a ton of people who are waiting to make up excuses for everyone else just so no one gets offended.

As I stated before, I don't agree with their practices, but I am not going to look down on anyone because they don't do something the way I do. If that was the case I would have no friends, because I am perfect and no one does things like I do :) I am not put on earth to judge, I am put here to live my life, raise my kids the best I can and make as many friends as I can along the way.

Homosexuality is a hot topic and I will be very interested to see how all of this plays out. Honestly I could care less what the dude next to me is doing with another guy, simply because I don't look at things like that. I want to make sure the dude next to me is focused on the mission at hand. That's all I care about. Professionalism.... It's a great Idea when it is actually utilized.

The thing I love about blogs is that they will ultimately spark some great discussion that will be shared among a few people and begin and end here. They are discussions. Nothing will come of it. The world will not be saved and they will not alter the decisions of those people who should see them. In the origin of symmetry, these discussions are nothing more than micro cuts.

A Spirit of a Storm in my Soul

This deployment has been long. Too long..... It definitely gives a guy a ton of time to think, I'm sure my dad can attest to that. This is just a bunch of random thoughts so try and follow.

My daughters are growing up without their Daddy. My wife is dealing with her husband being away and raising my daughters and doing a great job. I have a Nephew and a couple Nieces that I have been a horrible Uncle to. I have pushed my faith into the back corner and have no immediate desire to fix where it all went wrong, since I can't even remember where it went wrong. I want to live a simple life. I want to be home, I want to be around my girls, I want to sit on the front porch and have a couple of beers with the wife and neighbors while we share "Sea Stories" and the wives look at each other with the "There they go again" look. I want to sit on the couch with Brandee and watch a movie in HD. I miss my wife's smell, her voice, and her touch. I can't remember how she smells. I miss my Kaia's questions, I miss Ava's smile. I miss walking into the house and Kaia running to me and hugging my leg and telling me all about her day and Brandee carrying Ava in one arm and hugging me and kissing my cheek. I miss carrying my sleeping children to their beds and tucking them in.

Being around the military 24/7 for the past 5 months without a break has made me cynical. I have lost hope in people all together. I am convinced that a good 60% of the people on this ship could die right this second and no one would miss them. The world might be a better place for it. Hell, is it any wonder that the economy began to recover when we left? It's because everyone with a credit score of 300 or below is on this ship! These are not the hero's you read about. They have brought the Ghetto to the ship and it seriously pisses me off. Military Rank and structure means nothing to these people and the upper leadership turns a blind eye to it. Ever heard an E-7 say : "Yo dawg, what it is?" I have many times, that is my chief!! What does that even mean??? I am in Hell. Who, in their right mind said "Lets send them on an 8 Month deployment"? Probably the same guy who keeps troop on the ground in Iraq for 15 months, because it just makes perfect sense.

Jarred wrote a post the other day about the decline of the Family. I honestly think you can point the finger at the government, atleast concerning military families. Take dad out of the picture for how ever long we say, and have the audacity to ask "What is happening to our kids?" It's no wonder americas kids are cursing and swearing, the see what the future holds and they are not impressed. WAR after WAR after WAR. When I was growing up it was Desert Storm and I knew we would go to war when I joined. It was a certainty. I have been in 9 years and we have been at war for about 9 years. 9 YEARS! What hope do I have to offer my girls? Tell them everything will be ok, Daddy will be home, daddy will be home and there for you when you need him. That is until China Acts, That is until Iran does something stupid, That is until North Korea does something foolish. We are on the cusp of World War IV (World War III was the cold war as far as I am concerned) and I cannot honestly tell my children the future is bright for them. I hope I am wrong and this is probably my cynicism speaking, however, I find it very hard to believe that I am perfectly justified in being away from my family in support of national defence efforts when your job is to stare at a screen all day and get nothing. I want to go home.

No doubt in my mind my Wife loves me more than anything, not a single doubt in my mind, we are each others life and I love her for that. But any person who has been gone for so long starts to see every perspective, they think every thought. My wife and kids are my life and I am physically not a part of theirs. I've been gone long enough that I could be a memory now. Kaia is learning to live without dad. Ava is asking "Who is Dad?" My wife is learning to live without me, all the while I am dying to get home as soon as I can because I have already missed out on so much. And Why am I out here? Beside the fact that we were told to leave, I cannot tell you why. We do nothing, but waste a little over a million a day to keep this thing running.

I heard a song the other day and it seriously sums me up since this deployment started. Here it is:

Theres a Spirit of a Storm in My Soul
A Restlessness That I can't seem to Tame
Thunder and Lightning follow everywhere I go
Theres a Spirit of a Storm in my Soul

There's a Hurricane that's raging in my blood
And I can't find a way to Calm the Sea
Maybe I'll find some day The waters arn't so rough
But right now they got the best of me

Oh, It's been a long long time
Since I had real peace of mind
So I'm just gonna sit right here
In this Old Chair
Until this storm rolls by

Oh maybe it's just the way I am
Maybe I won't ever change
So I'm just gonna sit right here
In this Old Chair
And Just soak up the rays

Theres a Spirit of a Storm in my Soul
And Every time I think it's gone away
The Dark Clouds Gather
That ol' wind begins to blow
The Sun is gonna shine someday I hope
Theres a spirit of a storm in my soul

I want to go home. This ship has made me a horrible person on the inside. I am tired of living under a runway. I am tired of sleeping in a 6 foot by 2 foot coffin locker. I am tired of having to do a pull up to get into bed. I am tired of having to shower around other guys. I am tired of acting like I care about what people are telling me. I am tired of having to look for toilet paper every time! I am tired of picking up after adults. I am tired of having to deal with problems everyday. I am tired of not having a place to be alone. I am tired of being tired. And amid this frustration, no one sees my frustration, people only see a kind and understanding LPO. They know they can come to me if they need help or answers and I am always there for them. I am doing my part, but the people above me are not.

I'll be fine in a few months when I am at home, but as of right now this is horrible.
Here is the conflict in my head. I Hate it here, but I love the Navy and everything it has stood for in the past and what it represents now. I am torn. I am stuck, and the worst part is that I am doing it all alone. I miss feeling needed. I miss feeling important. I am another face in the crowd.

some pics.

So i noticed nobody commented on Avas b-day pics...they are 2 posts down. Guessing you just didnt see them. Here are a couple pics..mostly kaia being goofy as usual. And Ava giving "the look." Not much going on. Of course the girls are about to leave and i am super nervous but need this so bad. A couple of days would have been nice, but thats not really fair to Jackie :) I know the kids will have a blast!

had to put a pic of this

you know kaias hair is unruly. So "rob" bought me an awesome straightener and I decided to use it on her. its kinda cute!!

avas first b-day party

So miss Ava dissapointed me with the cake mess. I wanted her to go to town, but she decided she would pick at it and stick the piece in her mouth. After about 20 minutes of this, my dad shoved the cake in her mouth. And that is the only reason she has a little mess on her face....the girl didnt even need a bath afterward...boooooooooo oh well it was still a fun day.

Avalynn Faye.....

My baby is one today. I cant even believe it!! here are a few pics....

dumb book

So my neighbor was raving about this book. Then her friend came over and ws like "oh my gosh this book is getting gooooood" they were like you really need to read it. I said yeah like i have time to read...they said, you will make time...i said no thanks..... then we went to my stepmoms for dinner and on her table was the same book....she said she couldnt put it down. THEEEEENNNNN on the way home, my g/f calls me and asks if im watching desperate housewives b/c its real good, im like noo im on my way home and its recording now....(totally irrelevent) anyway shes like im reading this bok in between commercials....IT WAS THE SAME BOOK.....so i got home and texted my neighbor, and she brought the book out.....i read it in 3 days....i really couldnt put it down....it was crazy!!!anyway i got the second one tonight and cannot wait to get these kids in the bath and in bed so mommy can read.........im getting old. anyway the book is called "twilight" there is a movie coming out in a couple weeks too.....ok im done now haha

crazy week huh ?

SO the reason for blogging is to let things out, say what you want. Most people cant say what they want to say unless they are writing it out. I'm not a great speaker or a great writer, but i would much rather write things, than speak them. I don't take anything personally. I respect that everyone has their own opinions. i certainly have mine. Most of the time they differ from everyone elses opinion, yet I'm still a very open minded person. I take criticism pretty well (most the time) and listen to people when they speak their minds....but when i have a question about why they feel that way, i like answers. Jaci wrote something on her blog and i wrote her privately about the issue i had with it. We had a VERY civil discussion. Everything is fine. No hard feelings on my side and I dont think there are any on hers. We are 2 completely different people with different ways of thinking, yet she is still my sister :) We have only been together once and it was awesome. I think i had the best thanksgiving EVER!! I cant wait until we can all get together again. Families arent supposed to agree on everything, thats what makes them tick! We havent spent much time together but I want you all to know that i love you.

"World hopes for a less arrogant America"

It amazes me how much an election can change the world's view on our great country. This whole world is always looking at America. We are like their role model.
People around the world stayed awake last night (or their mornings) to see who the next leader of our country would be. Most Americans didnt even stay awake to find out. I didnt. I woke up about 4 am and turned the tv on to find out. We are so selfish. Americans could care less about other countries in this world, yet everyone looks up to our country. It should make us proud to be Americans no matter who our president is. Instead of bashing everyone, how about we wait until January and see what this guy can do. Change can be good sometimes.

This was the quote that made me want to write this. and the title of my blog was the title of the article.

America is electing a new president, but for the Germans, for Europeans, it is electing the next world leader," said Alexander Rahr, director of the German Council on Foreign Relations.

Election Day

So today is the big day!! I still wasnt sure who i was voting for when i got to the poll site. I only waited 5 minutes. My neighbor went like an hour and a half before me and waited for about an hour. The guy told me I came at a good time. I was like heck yes i did~!!!!

So all of the volunteers were very nice and very chipper. There were about 20 workers there. You know all of them are voting for different candidates, yet they put their political differences aside while everyone casts their votes. The last 2 years these 2 candidates have been battling it out and today is the day they have been waiting for. Im hoping that no matter who wins, the country will be fine. But anyway is was nice to see everyone so happy and cheerful (even the voters) when everyone obviously has different views...just cool...im a nerd i know!!

Birthday!!!!

So my birthday was AWESOME!!! One of the best b-days i have ever had. The kids and I woke up. I asked Kaia what today was, She said trick or treat day! I said yeah and my b-day. she said no its my birthday....im like nooooooo its my birthday...and it went on and on! hahahaha so we go downstairs and there is a knock at the door. My girlfriend Jamie from England was at the front door with Balloons and a giftbag!! ( she didnt come for my b-day, her and her husband are here for 5 weeks for some navy school) annyway shes like HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! and she handed me the bag. Inside was nail polish remover, Shes like girl you need to get those nasty toes fixed. She said see ya later, i have the kids and i already bought you a pedicure up the street, GO!! I was like ohhhhhhh thanks!!!!! hahaha so i go and had a nice relaxing time, i had about 15 people call me to tellme happy birthday. I felt so special. Then when i got home, there were flowers at the front door....FROM ROB!!!! And the kids were soooooo good. Just had a busy day getting the house cleaned at stuff, Then jamie and eric came over with some other friends from england, and they made me dinner. We went trick or treating. Kaia had a blast!!! I got the kids to bed and my mom came over to watch the girls so I could go out with my girlfriends!!! It was such a great day!!!!!!! I just wish rob was here to share it with me....This will be birthday number 6 that he has missed due to being deployed or being at work. Today is football day and then dinner with the family. Great weekend!!! oh yeah i was a pirate by the way!!

i hate the cold

soo it started getting cold here. The last few weeks have been in the 70's or 80's, now its like we are living in england again....cold, windy, cloudy, then rainy.....now im sick...and miserable. Im real tense, and every little thing kaia does makes me sooooo mad. And the sad part is, shes been real sweet. poor kaia.

You know how i roll, when it gets cold, i dye my hair dark....so there it is, pay no attention to my no-maked-up face, just loook at the dark depressing hair.... We went to Busch Gardens again last weekend, it was the last day they were open until spring. Fun fun.....kaia did gymnastics, the one pic is her on the bars, she did soooooo good....ava just wasnt having sitting there for an hour.....so we are gonna figure something out. Kaia will be starting gymnastics soon.....pretty exciting. im just being a miserable pessimistic person right now. In a few days i will be happy!!! thats about it.